OfficeBiome seeds your workspace with a proprietary blend of performance-enhancing, mood-stabilizing, and deadline-aware bacterial cultures — delivering measurable productivity gains at the microbial level.
We identified the gap between your workforce's cognitive potential and their current bacterial environment. It's bigger than you think.
Our certified BioTechnicians swab your desk, keyboard, and the shared fridge handle to generate a comprehensive Workplace Microbiome Profile (WMP™). Results delivered in 3–5 business days.
Our lab formulates a bespoke bacterial cocktail tuned to your team's performance gaps. Need more Q4 energy? We have a strain for that. Struggling with passive-aggressive emails? We have a strain for that too.
Our silent BioMist™ dispensers aerosolize your custom culture blend at pre-dawn hours, ensuring full surface colonization before your employees arrive. Non-detectable by nose. Mostly.
Each strain is rigorously tested in our open-plan lab simulation facility in Newark, NJ.
Colonizes keyboard surfaces and ambient desk zones. Clinical trials show a 2.3x increase in uninterrupted task completion. Not recommended for sales teams who need to talk.
A neurologically adjacent culture seeded in whiteboard markers and brainstorm zone upholstery. Shown to increase meeting output by 67%. Defined as "ideas that are written down."
Infused into meeting room chair fabric. Promotes oxytocin-adjacent micro-signaling that reduces defensive body language. Side effects include agreeing with HR presentations.
Applied to coffee machine touch panels and elevator buttons. Activates upon hand contact. Reduces the 2PM energy crash by up to 88% in our internal study of 4 employees.
Deployed in open-plan offices with over 40 employees. Measurably reduces Slack notification anxiety. One client reported that their VP of Finance "smiled unprompted" for the first time in six years.
C-Suite formulation. Seeded in corner office HVAC systems. Enhances strategic thinking by encouraging the host organism to think in longer time horizons. Quarterly results may vary.
"Within two weeks of OfficeBiome's seeding, our sprint velocity increased by 40%. We initially thought it was the new Jira plugin. It was not the new Jira plugin."
"We were skeptical. Our CFO is still skeptical. But our Q3 earnings call was the most emotionally coherent one we've ever had, and the bacteria are the only variable that changed."
"Four stars only because Marcus in Accounting became so focused he stopped responding to emails entirely. We've since had him moved to a lower-potency zone. Brilliant product."
Trusted By Forward-Thinking Organizations
All plans include monthly re-seeding, biome health dashboards, and a complimentary strain sommelier consultation.
For boutique offices and hopeful co-founders.
For mid-size teams ready to commit to the biome.
For organizations serious about bacterial ROI.
A team of microbiologists, organizational psychologists, and one former McKinsey consultant who "gets the space."
14 years studying extremophile bacteria at MIT. "The office is just a cave we haven't optimized yet." Three patents pending.
Former organizational psychologist. Left academia after realizing "the problem wasn't culture fit — it was culture, literally." Harvard MBA. Vegan.
7 years at McKinsey, 2 years at a cold brew company, 1 year "finding himself." Rejoined purpose-driven work the moment bacteria entered the B2B SaaS conversation.
Previously led gut microbiome research at Johns Hopkins. Pivoted to workplace wellness after attending a particularly grim all-hands meeting in 2022. "It was the smell," she said.
Don't let your competitors colonize the future of work while your office remains a microbial wasteland. Book a complimentary Biome Audit today.
*OfficeBiome bacteria are classified as GRAS (Generally Regarded As Safe) by our own internal review board. Consult your facilities manager before deployment in HVAC-restricted zones.